I can’t keep it out of my head. Thinking what people need in this world. Where they’re at in their lives and if I can help in any way such as a friendly smile or a simple conversation- But when you graze past my backside, and say your just trying to start conversation? You leave me wanting to be more of a solitary person than I did in the start. I want to be a person that is open to people- to experiences, but I feel like every time I feel at ease, wanting to start again with a fresh spirit something else bring me back to this want of living alone.
Being alone, and not having to deal with anyone but myself. Don’t touch me when I don’t want to be touched. Don’t assume just because I’m sitting in the back of the uber pool with you that I want to be touched. And no it doesn’t make me feel any better that you would do the same thing to a homeless person. Get me out of here get me away from these humans that don’t respect me as a human being. Should I react in anger? In confrontation? Some of my reactions have been:
As I wake up from a sound sleep for the third time feeling a hand on my hip:
ME: Nolan, are you meaning to touch me?
THEM:“No, uh sorry”
Wake up from an immense pressure on my pelvis
ME: Excuse me, you just grabbed my vagina.
THEM: “Sorry, just looking for my phone charger”
Then watch him crawl on all fours back across the room to his hostel bed
Inside an Uber pool with a man I do not know
ME: Stop touching me.
THEM: “I was just joking, I would do the same to a homeless person”
Paying in line at a coffee shop as an old man grazes my backside
ME: (Silence) Looking at him angrily
THEM: “Just trying to start a conversation miss”
I’m just learning that a touch can be so faint but it can also be so intrusive to who you are and what these people assume you will okay with. I’m not sure they think will happen after? What were they wanting? Just attention? Are they just lonely and haven’t been taught another way? Or, are they assuming me to be someone who wants to be touched? Someone that will respond with something other than me making myself small and wanting to live alone.
I refuse to think of this as my fault. I’m not asking for sympathy or comfort, I am fine- I just want to share my select stories. This is my experience and acknowledge and empathise with people who had had much worse things happen to them during their life. I just shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable in this way EVER, I want to acknowledge the times that have inhibited me from feeling comfortable and respected in this world.