14 Things I’ve Learned A Year After Ending A Long-term Relationship

Its like my heart and my mind are pulling too separate ways. I start to think about how I would run away with him and give up everything in my life here, and then I know my tears would stop and my heart would be fulfilled (this is my young and naive voice talking pretending there is a quick-fix to this break-up). Then blaring like a song on repeat that I don’t want to hear, I have to finally accept the loud and clear fact that I am single. A word that has not been used in a long time to describe myself. Even though I wanted to run away, I understand why that cannot happen.

We just were not meant to be. 

“The person you are has nothing to give me anymore” -some thing I wrote in a journal just over a month before the break-up.

I dated this guy from when I was 16 till I was 20 years old (4 1/2 years). . . we broke up and I felt very lost. I guess I looked for advice online and I never found anything that was helpful so here are some tips of the lonely road to mending a broken heart.

Side note: These are from my thoughts and feelings throughout the year and things I thought would be helpful, yet they might not always be. Each heart and broken relationship is different. Enjoy!

: Do totally invest yourself in your hobbies; these are the only things that will make you really feel fulfilled in your everyday life after the breakup.
There is going to be a hole in your heart that will physically and mentally hurt. Let yourself feel the hurt but also know how to recover and make you heart feel whole again. I did this by doing what I love e.i. traveling, photography, running, hiking, netflix 🙂

: Do know what fulfills you; if you don’t know, learn what does other than him.
If you don’t know what is going to make your heart feel whole try new things and find other (passions) not other boys that will make you feel better. Pick up a hobby or join a dodge ball tournament… you know what ever!

: Do not look for other guys to fill the gaps that your ex once did fill.
This is quite simple as no one will be able to accomplish this and will just leave you feeling emptier

: Do know that what ever happens from the break-up on is between YOU and the EX, nobody else.
A wise friend of mine gave me this advice after a situation involving my ex, when I let another friend get involved and call him an “ass hole”. Even though all your friends are on your side and think poorly of the ex do not let them get involved, because no one knows the whole story except you two.

: Do not let every guy who asks have your number have it & don’t just go on first dates unless you are genuinely interested in him.
If you find someone you’re interested in go after it, but just don’t go after someone because they give you attention that you are use to having from being in a long-term relationship.

: Do let yourself have the time to really feel okay with being alone (& LOVE IT).
I thought it was the WORST feeling in the world, to be alone. Then, slowly, I found the perks of living my long lost single life. I had a whole bed to myself, always. I had my nights always free to do any type of activity. When friends asked to do something I could always join & I really got to sit and be more in touch with god and myself. I think this made the biggest difference in the end because I know I came out of this break-up a stronger and more confident person. Then I started to realize that person I’ve become did not fit so well with my ex anymore (as he changed too).

: Do not creep on your EX, only harsh unwanted feelings will come from it.

There is no healing in seeing your ex having the time of his life while you still feel in the dumps. I thought it was okay to leave my ex as a “friend” on Facebook.. it was fine until I saw the first photo of him with other girls. That’s when I decided it was stupid and nothing good would come out of seeing him or thinking of him more than I already was.

: Do put yourself out there and meet new people.
Letting yourself be seen, truly seen by other people can be a huge benefit in your life. These friends will pick you up and make you feel on top of the world when you might be at your lowest ever.

: Do not count the weeks, months, year(s) that have gone by since the breakup to compare it to others.. everyone’s healing time is different.
I’ll admit I counted every day after we broke up.. then the months and now a year. I felt it was just a check in point for me to see where I was month 2 compared to month 7.. yet don’t listen to the friends that say “it took me 6 months to get over my ex” because that may be unrealistic for you to think that is the cut off point for people to be “over an ex”.

: Do lean more towards hanging out with your single friends, its no good to always see relationships when your trying to mend your heart.
I moved in this year with two roommates, both of which had boyfriends. A lot of my college major friends got engaged over the summer and were flashing their rings when we got back to school in August. Be overjoyed and happy for them, but try not to place yourself solely around your “taken” friends as I always found myself comparing how lonely and sad I was.

: Do not call your friends every time your feeling sad, learn how to comfort yourself, allow yourself to feel the hurt.
I remember being so so very frustrated when my ex and I first broke up because I would just sit there and cry and want to call him for help. I remember thinking and being very frustrated that I did not know how to comfort myself as I always ran to him. Whelp, you have to learn sometime, so now is a good time to do so 🙂 Your friends are always there for you but make sure they are not the person you always run to. I mean if they don’t pick up their phones are you just going to be “not okay” forever?

: Do make fun plans for yourself in the future.
Look forward to things make plans that are going to make you strive to make it to those wonderful plans.

: Do not call, text, snapchat, Facebook, email, insta, tinder your EX.. I think I covered all the bases.

There is appropriate time for communications, but give lots of time to think it over before sending that simple text.

: Do, at some point, stop being mad at your EX & realize you’re really just mad that what you thought was going to happen for the future didn’t.
This took me a long time to come to terms with. My ex did not cheat; he did not disappear out of thin air. I’m the one who said that we shouldn’t be together anymore but it was because I knew that’s what he wanted through his actions. I was just so angry because I tried everything possible to keep our relationship together, but it failed. What I realized after a while was that it was okay it failed and I can be a lot happier without him in my life.

****

I don’t have all the answers and I haven’t been proud of all my decisions though my breakup, but I have learned a whole lot about myself & love. I really wouldn’t of changed anything even if I could go back. There is a reason why I feel I am on a sturdy foundation now and that is because I explored things when I questioned them my life. It was and still is incredibly hard to lose a long-term relationship when you’re young. I’m a firm believer, now, that it has and is still going to make me a more relatable, stronger person in the future. I now KNOW how to comfort myself. I now KNOW how to be okay with being alone. I now KNOW that this long-term relationship was not meant to stay in my life & lastly I KNOW god has a plan for what is next.
I just feel all growing up I was so relationship focused. Such as who I was going to like next or who will give me the support I need when I’m down (middle school & high school thoughts). I am the only person I can count on at all times in my life. I am now investing my heart in passions instead of in love… yet still get way too excited to talk to a guy. Whoops what’s a girl to do 🙂 I always thought this was a great quote, and it seems quite perfect to end with.

“Everyone needs a place. It shouldn’t be inside of someone else”.

-Richard Siken

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